Dad Jokes

50 Dad Jokes

  1. What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

  1. I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

  1. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... a cola please."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure, I was just born with them."

  1. Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

She'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

  1. Why do we tell the actors to 'break a leg?'

Because every play has a cast!

  1. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

  1. Yesterday a saw a guy spill his game of Scrabble on the street.

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

  1. Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

  1. Have you heard about the claustrophobic astronaut?

She just needed a little space.

  1. A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me! I'm addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor responded, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."

  1. Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrgh!

  1. What did the bald guy say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks- I'll never part with it!

  1. What rhymes with orange.

Ummm... no it doesn't!

  1. What did one hat say to the other?

You wait here, I'll go on a head.

  1. What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

  1. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

  1. What did the shark say when he ate his first clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.

  1. Why can't you hear a psychologist going to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent!

  1. What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?

Aye matey!

  1. Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

Because his car got toad away!

  1. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school?

Bison!

  1. How are a queen and a meter stick alike?

They are both rulers!

  1. What's an astronaut's favorite part of the computer?

The space bar!

  1. Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

  1. What did the man say when he walked into a bar?

Ouch! I walked right into a bar!

  1. Why was the bike lying on the ground?

Because it was to tired to get up!

  1. What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

  1. What did the telephone give his girlfriend?

A ring!

  1. Why did the baseball stadium feel hot after the game?

All the fans had left!

  1. Why did the little girl throw her clock out the window?

She wanted to make time fly.

  1. What do you give an injured lemon?

Lemon-Aid!

  1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

  1. Did you hear? The criminals just stole a calendar!

They each got six months!

  1. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling!

  1. Why is it so annoying eating with someone playing basketball all the time?

They dribble all the time.

  1. What breed of cat can jump higher that any building?

Any cat. Buildings don't jump!

  1. Why did the M&M go to school?

Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

  1. How come bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

  1. What did the music teacher say to her student at the end of 3 music beats?

You're under a rest!

  1. Why aren't Koala Bears actual bears?

They don't meet the koalafications!

  1. R.I.P., boiling water.

You will be mist.

  1. What do you call a chicken looking at a salad?

A chicken-sees-a salad!

  1. How do you throw a space party?

Well, first you have to planet!

  1. What do you tell a train when it has bubble gum?

Chew-chew train!

  1. Why did the textbook visit the therapist?

It needed help figuring out its problems.

  1. Why can't male ants sink?

Because they are a buoy-ant!

  1. The customer said: This soup tastes funny!

The waiter replies: Well then, why aren't you laughing?

  1. What do you call a pig that's been run over by an ambulance?

Pork!

  1. Who stole the tree's bark?

The dogs!

  1. What's the best Dad Joke ever?

Hey, I don't know! I'm the one asking!